


It's Dark Inside

by Pongo0614



Series: Changes [5]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-03 12:23:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16326170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pongo0614/pseuds/Pongo0614
Summary: After Gorlois was found his parents after his adventure, Morgana starts thinking about the year she was with Morgause. What made them all change? Story 5 of Changes





	It's Dark Inside

**Author's Note:**

> This is set between chapter 14 and 15 of The Adventure. Please read beforehand and Consequence of Love if you haven't already.
> 
> Also, this is my take on what happened between series 2 and series 3. It fits into the story arc that I have coming up in future stories and something that I have mentioned in The Adventure. I just had previous knowledge about it this time around and could add the story arc in a lot earlier.
> 
> Bold parts are flashbacks/memories (however you want to see it).

**It's Dark Inside**

Being back in Camelot was both a blessing but also a curse. Morgana found herself looking out onto Camelot from the battlements. The search for Gorlois kept her busy. It meant that she didn't have the time for her mind to wonder. It was the reason why she didn't want to stop for long. The longer she had to think, the stronger the thougths came back. She didn't want to detach herself from her family but she couldn't see that she had any other choice.

There was one thing that she was glad about though and that was Gorlois was back home, safe and sound. They didn't yet know how much he knew but with how tightly he hugged her, Morgana felt like it was a good sign. They were going to give him the chance to have a bath and something to eat before they told him everything. Both her and Merlin had decided that they had to start back at the beginning. Right back when Merlin first entered Camelot.

She knew that he would ask questions about what happened when she was with Morgause and she knew that she would have to try and explain the best that she could. It wasn't an easy task and she hoped that if she took a few moments to put her own thoughts in order, she might also shed light on what might be happening to her.

Morgana thought back to the turning point of it all. When Merlin had poisoned her. 

She wished that she knew the truth back then. Everything made more sense as to what was happening and why when the truth was put to it. She still didn't really understand how he couldn't tell her how she was the spell that what they had to do to break the spell. However, she wasn't even certain how she would have reacted if Merlin had told her that she had to die to keep Arthur alive. The problem was that she believed that the spell wasn't affecting her because of her magic. Merlin may be more powerful than her but even he was struggling to stay awake. If she thought about it, his eyes showed his apology as soon as he turned to her. She didn't really remember much after he took her into his arms.

* * *

**Morgana felt like she was awake but also felt like she couldn't open her eyes. She could feel the cool stone beneath her and the calm chanting above her. She felt like the voice was familiar but in that moment she couldn't place who it was. Whatever they were doing, she felt better.**

**She wouldn't like to say that she remembered everything that led her to this point but she could remember that she had just been dealt her biggest betrayal since she found out that Uther had refused to send more soldiers to help out her father.**

**Merlin had poisoned her.**

**The person she trusted the most had poisoned her.**

**The person she had relied upon had poisoned her.**

**The person that she had trusted with her secret, the only person she believed would accept her, had poisoned her.**

**She had no idea why he would do something like that to her and she knew that she had to get to the truth of it. She thought that she was his friend. She had placed so much trust in him. It just didn't make sense for Merlin to do something like that to her. As she had once told Arthur, Merlin was a lover, not a fighter. He hated hunting and killing things. It wouldn't make sense for him to kill a friend. If there was anyone who would betray a friend like that, she would expect it off of Arthur. She knew that he was a better man than Uther but there would have been certain things that Arthur could have picked up subconsciously.**

**Maybe it was the reason that he had poisoned her. A woman's weapon. She could remember the way that the poison started to make her throat close up. She could remember the way that she gasped for air and the way that Merlin nodded at her. Maybe he thought that she knew what had happened and why he had done it. She wished that she did know. It was the last thought that she knew that she would have to banish but she felt like she couldn't forget the way that Merlin pulled her into his arms and held her. She might have been dying but it was the closest that she had been to him. She wouldn't even admit to herself how much she wanted Merlin.**

**The problem was he had destroyed any chance that they had at being together. He had destroyed their friendship and there was a part of her that wanted to make him pay and suffer like he had made her suffer.**

**She had no idea where that thought came from but was just feeling glad that she could feel her strength coming back to her.**

* * *

**"He wouldn't have done it because of that." Morgana said, her voice hoarse and weak.**

**"But he did Morgana," Morgause said. "He even told me. He had been waiting for an opportunity like that since he found out."**

**"But he saved Mor … the druid boy. He wouldn't do it because of magic."**

**Morgana had very little idea what Morgause was planning and wasn't about to drag Mordred into it. He had been through too much anyway. He didn't need to be brought into another plot against Camelot.**

**"That was all to gain your trust. He wanted to show you that he was trustworthy."**

**Morgana turned the window. She couldn't believe what Morgause was telling her. It just didn't seem right. Merlin wouldn't have poisoned her because of her magic. There was another reason for it. She wondered where she was and how far from Camelot she was. She wanted to get home. She needed to get home. But she felt like her questions would get answered where she was.**

**"He wouldn't have tried to help me when I found out about my magic. He wouldn't have told me where the druid camp was. He wouldn't have come to get me when Uther was suspicious of my disappearance. He wouldn't have caused a distraction to try and help me get away with the patrol attacking the camp, trying to get me."**

**"How do you think that they found you so quickly? The serving boy must have led them there. Why can't you see he is on their side?"**

**"Because he wanted to help me. He saved the druid boy. He is with magic rather than against it. His best friend even had magic."**

**"They say love makes you blind."**

**Morgana turned to her.**

**"And that was only a guess," Morgause said as she left.**

* * *

Morgana wished that she knew what Morgause did to her to save her life. She wished that Morgause had told her the truth. She wished Morgause had told her the whole plan before she placed that spell on her. Morgana knew that she wouldn't have been so willing if she knew what was on the line. It had upset her that Merlin had seemingly chosen Camelot, Uther and Arthur over her. 

Obviously, she wasn't given all the details until years after the event and it did slightly make her resent her sister. For years she had believed that there was a valid reason but she felt like she could never ask Merlin or Morgana about it. She had lost all her trust in people and she didn't even know if she could trust Morgause. 

However, without Morgause, she wouldn't know anything about magic. It was probably why she did know more than Merlin. He hadn't had the type of tutor that she had.

She could remember her time in Essitir. All she could remember was the difference between there and Camelot and how much she would have prefered to be in Camelot.

* * *

**She definitely preferred Camelot.** **The white marble always made the gloomiest of days seem bright.** **Esstir's castle of granite made the best of days seem gloomy.** **Morgana could see the damage that was done by Camelot. The whole of the west wing had vanished. She** **remembered watching the soldiers marching out of Camelot for this offensive. It was the only reason they were under some sort of peace.**

**She knew that was all going to change. She could just feel it.**

**One thing that Morgana prided herself on was that she felt like she could make a good first impression. It was the first thing she was taught when she began her lessons. Her father had always told her that there is nothing worse than making a bad first impression. A good impression could be tarnished but a bad impression could never turn good. In Camelot, she rarely had the chance to put her father's advice into use.**

**She noted, however, that Cenred didn't care for first impressions as he sat slouched on his throne, his shoulders only touching the back. She wondered whether it was just because she was with Morgause.**

**"So you have returned Morgause. Thought you would be back sooner." Cenred smirked.**

**"Sorry, Cenred. Camelot wasn't as easy as I thought." Morgause said. "You wouldn't get past the front gate."**

**Cenred lent forward. "Wouldn't I now?"**

**"I made it to the throne room."**

**"And yet I do not hear of Uther's death."**

**"As I said, Camelot wasn't as easy as I thought. There is a very brave servant."**

**Cenred's eyes didn't leave Morgause once since she had entered the room, until now.**

**He jumped from his throne and walked to Morgana.** **"And who is this?" Cenred said.**

**"My sister, Morgana," Morgause said.**

**Cenred turned back to her.** **"Not the same Lady Morgana of Camelot?"**

**Morgause smirked. "The very same."**

**"You do realise that Uther has men everywhere looking for her." He hissed.**

**"Does he?" Morgause said looking confused. "So glad we are in the only kingdom that Uther wouldn't dare step a foot over the border."**

**"He might not but his son might. He has already done it once. What makes you think he won't do it again?"**

**Morgana found her voice. "Well if you looked after the outlying villages as well as the rest of the kingdom then Arthur may have not seen a reason to interfere."**

**They both stared at her.** **Morgana had just become very conscience to that they were the only people in the room.**

**"Sorry."**

**Morgana thought about her next words very carefully.** **"I was with him and saw the damage that was caused in Ealdor. We need to save the village."**

 **Cenred chuckled.** **"It was just a village."**

 **"Not to Merlin."** **Morgana cursed to herself as soon as the words left her mouth.**

**"Mer-lin. Who the hell is Merlin?" Cenred asked.**

**"A serving boy. She has seemed to become attached to him." Morgause answered for her.**

**"Why would you risk your lives crossing over the border for a servant?"**

**"You must understand Cenred. A half decent servant is hard to find. Why send him to his deathbed?"**

**Cenred just chuckled before leaving her.**

**Morgana found herself not wanting to be there and really wanting to be in Camelot.**

* * *

Morgana would admit that she knew that something was going on between her sister and Cenred. It was probably the only reason why they were allowed to stay for so long and have such an influence in the court. 

She'd had very little idea of how long it had been since she was taken by Morgause, but due to the reports of Camelot men on the border, Morgana suspected it was longer than she thought. She would admit that still felt weak from the effects of the poison and her recovery relied heavily on a potion that Morgause gave her.

But thinking back now, that was what made her change.

From where she was, Morgana could see the lake that Merlin proposed to her at. She didn't lie to him when she said it wasn't her first proposal. It was the most horrible experience of her life when it first happened. She didn't know the expectation that was put upon her and she had wondered why Esstir had so many guest while she was there.

She should remember her first proposal vividly.

* * *

**Morgana wished she could sigh.** **The court meetings were more boring than the ones in Camelot.** **Once the knight had reported back from a long but uneventful patrol, Lord Edward stepped forward.** **Lord Edward was an older man, gut filled to bursting. Not only was his size an issue but his bad breath made his company insufferable.** **Unfortunately** , **Morgana was the one that had entertained him the most.** **She was not expecting his next words.**

**"As many people know, Morgana and I have been spending quite a bit of time together getting to know each other. I feel that I know every part of her and wish that she would accept my hand in marriage."**

**Morgana was stunned to the spot, so much so that her sister pushed her forwards, causing her to stumble. If she didn't already suspect that Morgause had something to do with it beforehand she definitely knew when Morgause gave her a nod.** **She knew what she was meant to do but she knew she didn't want to.**

 **The stupid serving boy in Camelot came to her mind.** **It was never going to happen. Never. He, himself, had made sure of that when he handed her the skin of poisoned water.** **Yet Morgana felt like she could never betray her heart. No matter what Merlin had done, she couldn't go off and marry some other man. Not because her sister wanted her to.**

**With a deep breath, Morgana knew what she had to do. For her own sanity.**

**"I am so sorry, milord. I am afraid I cannot marry you."**

**Morgana had never seen a man look so wounded, not even when she had beaten Arthur for the first time in combat.**

* * *

**"What was that? Lord Edward could have given us the extra forces we needed." Morgause shouted at her.**

**"Morgause, I couldn't marry him because I wish to marry for love. Anyway, he would have given you an army and I would have had to give him …. Other things. I don't wish to do that with a man that is as old as our father would be."**

**Morgause looked at her.**

**"You want to marry for love. Isn't that sweet?" Her sister said in a mocking tone.**

**"Mock me all you like. I have been groomed since I was teen that I was going to be married off for the sake of an alliance. Now I am free of Uther, I wish for things my way."**

**There was a look that Morgause gave her that Morgana felt like she couldn't read. She could tell that she had disappointed her sister by not accepting the prospal.**

**"That is not the way the world works Morgana. Stop living in some fairy tale."**

* * *

Even though Morgana had enjoyed the time she had with her sister, she never felt at home with her. Her mind would always wonder to what Gwen was doing now that Morgana was here, was Arthur heading as many patrols as he could for the chance he could find her. If she let them, her thoughts would drift to Merlin, she would wonder if he felt guilty, if he went on every patrol with Arthur, if she was the first thing he thought about in the morning and the last thing at night.

So when Morgause told her it was time for her to return to Camelot, Morgana was overjoyed. She could see her friends again.

Yet whatever Morgause had done to her had finally sunk in. Her hatred for Uther grown but she had managed to gain a hatred for Merlin. Well, that's what she wanted her sister to think. He was the one person she was looking forward to seeing the most.

* * *

**Morgana hadn't seen her sister for a few days.** **She knew it was because she turned down her 6th proposal. She couldn't** **understand why Morgause wouldn't just let it be.** **So she was surprised to see her sister in her chambers after meeting, what she suspected to be, her seventh suitor.**

**"Sister, what do _I_  owe the pleasure?" Morgana said, trying not to sound sarcastic.**

**"You aren't happy here."**

**That statement stunned Morgana. She closed her eyes to try and come up with the right emotion.**

**"I do catch you looking out towards Camelot. That tyrant has made you feel like it's your home."**

**"It wasn't like I could have stayed at Tintagel. I was carried off to Camelot as soon as I found out about my … our father's death."**

**Morgause looked wounded.** **"You call me sister, yet you still cannot see it."**

**"I have always been on my own," Morgana confessed. "Arthur may feel like a brother to me but I would never had expected to have a sibling that shares the same blood as me."**

**Silence fell between them.**

**"We need someone in Camelot. Someone we can trust. I think it is time you went back."**

**Morgana tried not to roll her eyes. That was what her sister wanted. But she was still waiting for something else.**

**"You shouldn't be so suspicious of me Morgana. I am here to help you."**

**Morgana moved her eyes from her sister to the table. "I am sorry that I don't feel like I can trust anyone any more."**

**"I only care for your happiness. I am the only one to every care about it." Morgause said, taking Morgana's hands in her own.**

**Morgana nodded. She didn't want to believe her sister but she knew that her intentions meant well.**

**"I know. I just haven't felt the love you have offered to me for a long time."**

**Morgause smirked.** **"My leaving gift for you."**

* * *

Morgana started to play with the necklace around her neck. She hadn't taken it off since her sister gave it to her.

As Morgana had suspected, if she found Arthur, she would find Merlin not too far behind. 

Seeing them again made her sigh with relief. She was going home.

Morgana wanted to tell them the truth but she knew that would have led to a manhunt against Morgause. She may be against Camelot but she was still her sister and saved her from the poison. Arthur may have accept her powers back then but Uther would never. Yet her betrayal had left him so broken.

Morgana shock her head. Uther would have never accepted her.

She could still remember the lie she told Arthur.

* * *

**"I was kept in a cell for almost a year. I thought I'd go mad." Morgana said through the fake tears.**

**"How did you escape?" Arthur said with a softness she didn't realise he possessed.**

**"They moved me about a week ago. I don't know why. It may have been the patrol from Camelot."**

**"The patrol found you?"**

**"I thought I was gonna be free. But then I saw them killed. Every one of them cut down. But that night, the bandits were distracted by their spoils. I took my chance. When I saw you, I couldn't believe it."**

**Morgana knew she that wasn't telling the whole truth but at least she got something in that was.  She hugged Arthur, reminding herself of his strong arms and metallic smell. She looked up to see Merlin. She felt guilty for hugging another man in front of him but she hoped that Merlin would always realise that Arthur was her brother. Part of her felt good to see him squirm slightly.**

**"I think I need to rest." She told Arthur. She knew it would be the only way to get him to leave.**

**"Everything's gonna be alright. You're safe now."**

**_No, it's not. You're in danger._ Morgana thought.**

**She made sure that Arthur had left before Merlin.**

**"Merlin. I want to speak to you." She waited till he was looking at her before she continued. "I know what you did. You tried to poison me."**

**The words made her throat go dry.**

**"I didn't want to."**

**Morgana was still having a hard time to believe that Merlin would have done a thing like that. His confirmation of his betrayal hit her.** **"It's alright, Merlin. I understand. You were just trying to protect your friends, I would have done the same."**

**Well, that was Morgana's own conclusion to why he had done it.**

**"Really?"**

**"I was so naïve, Merlin. I don't think I really understood what I was doing. But, believe me, I have seen the evils in this world. I have seen first-hand what it is that Uther fights against. You don't know how much I regret everything that I've done. I just...hope that you can forgive me."**

**"I am so sorry for everything you've been through. It's good to have you back."**

**Morgana couldn't help but smile when he did.**

* * *

She knew at that moment that she was totally and utterly in love with him. There was no doubt in her heart but she had to let her head rule. He had poisoned her and hurt her. 

"Ready?"

Morgana turned to her husband, giving her the same smile he had given her that day.

"I will be down in a minute."

They were about to tell Gorlois the truth, their real story, together. There were so many things that they should have done together that they never got the chance. This was something that they had to do together. 

Morgana watched Merlin walk away. He really was the light to her darkness. 

She took in the view one last time. Unknown to her, at that moment, her eyes turned black.


End file.
